#RelationshipGoals: The power of unsettling yourself away from serial situationships..
Ok, let's say, you had a job right? Not assuming you're unemployed lol, but just follow me here lol....so you were at this job for years..no pay raise, no promotion, and every time you asked about it, the HR dept said "It's just not the right time right now." How would you feel? Would you stay?? And would you pass up other possible opportunities along the way? I mean for the sake of loyalty, you know..?? Logical question right? ..so in that sense, why do we do this in relationships?? You ever notice, people don't break up anymore? I mean..yeah okay...relationships end, but most of the time it's just the result of happenstance....someone cheats and gets caught, or someone moves away, etc .....it's not too often that people sit down and say "We both know this shit ain't working out right? Soooo, what are we gonna do about it?" And personally, I think it's because neither one of you ever established the foundation of whatever "this shit" was y'all had going on in the first place...you were just going with the flow to get here, and you just wanna go with the flow on your way out. No one really wants to go against the current. No one wants to take responsibility, and no one wants to take the blame. Yeah..eventually somebody might just stop calling, or texting.. Maybe. But not if both of you are comfortable with the flow of the current. We convince ourselves whether its meant to be or not, either way, it'll just work itself out. It is what it is. We're all familiar with the millennial dating mantra lol "It is what it is." See, somewhere along the way, we just stopped progressing from being in a relationship, to single..or vice versa….we became comfortable in the limbo of love…somewhere along the way, we embraced the in between. Hence, the evolution of the situationship. What was once considered settling, is now unintentionally being glamorized as the new normal, the idea of being in less than a relationship, and friends with benefits without all the extra responsibility. Some people don’t want to get married, some people don’t want to have children, and that's totally cool, but you have to be honest with yourself about what YOU want, because whats for someone else isn't always for you, and neither one of you should have to compromise on your standards for yourself, regardless of what side of the coin toss you choose....It's just as important to know what you don't want, as it is to know what you do. Recently, one of my friends' parents told me "Man, I would hate to be single in this day and age. Ya’ll have it hard.” …For some reason people think dating is complicated….but people are complicated. Love is a NATURAL energy, it’s in the way you feel when you’re around someone, how they uplift you, and can somehow make the corners of your soul smile when they speak. If someone’s spirit naturally makes you happy, not instantly, but naturally, then the logical thing to do is to cultivate that and do everything possible to keep that happiness around. But logic doesn’t always go hand in hand with love. You can love someone with every fiber of your being, but you can’t make them CHOOSE to step out of their comfort zone. That’s a natural transition, and some people will love you extensively, but not unconditionally…they will love you deeply, but at the same time they will love you safely, comfortably, and without risk. When people say they aren’t looking for a relationship, what they really mean is they're not looking for commitment. A relationship is not a job, or a hobby. If you automatically associate relationships with stress and obligations, then you must first deal with your perception before you can deal with your reality. I want to be your peace. I don’t want to be the part of your life that you need a break from, I want to be where you run when you need a break. I want to be wherever home is. And the trouble isn’t in my expectations, the trouble is in the peddling we do around the questions while searching for answers that are right under our nose, when there shouldn’t even be any questions in the first place. I want us to learn from each other, but I also know theres certain things you cant teach because everything isn't meant to be explained. One of the hardest lessons learned is being in love with someone who doesn’t love you equally the same as you love them, but yet and still loves you with all that they have…when someone naturally loves you, with no restrictions, it's not a constant struggle of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Maybe if I dressed differently, maybe if I cooked more, maybe if I pretended to act more like a wife, I would attract a husband. Don’t confuse changing yourself with upgrading yourself. If someone wants you as a natural part of your life, they will put you there, with no hesitation, and no negotiation. Man or Woman. The circumstances may not always be ideal but the difference maker is when they don’t want to go through those same circumstances with anyone else but you. That’s what makes it ideal.
I am a woman. I am a mother first above everything else, but I am also a woman. And it took a while, but I have grown to love myself as the multi-faceted being that i am. I am sexy. I am emotional. I am passionate. I am a sucker for potential. When I believe in someone or something i go all in. And as i grew along this journey, many times i fell victim to the fact that not everyone else does the same. Some people are ok with just being halfway in and halfway out, its safer to them that way. I was never a halfway kind of girl, but somewhere along the way, i became one. Many people have. I fell so deep for the potential of what could be that i lost sight of what it really was. Its easy to believe that love is all you need, but time will reveal that sometimes just the bare minimum of love isn't enough. People don’t tell you that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need to be loved, doesn’t mean they don't love you with all that they have. They were there at some of your lowest points, they’re the first person you call with any good or bad news, they were the bootstraps you pulled yourself up from, they’re your best friend. But you don’t learn the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone until you’ve lived it, and sometimes its too late... yeah, it was love, but it wasn't natural, it was habitual. It wasn't the kind of love where their eyes screamed "Damn, I'm lucky" when they looked at each other, it was the kind of love that read "We chillin." But it didn't matter what kind of love it was because we persuaded ourselves that any kind of love was enough…as long as you loved us a little, it would suffice. Yeah, we could be single…Yeah, we could be with someone else…..but we don't want to. We want you…wrapped in all of your good intentions and drenched in all of your possibility, we want you and all of your baggage. But, you won’t even let us help you unpack. So we wake up everyday, going through the motions of being in an imaginary relationship by ourselves. We try to stay busy in every other aspect of our life so we can pretend that we don't even have the time to maintain a fully functional relationship anyway, if we had one….right?? Wrong. Almost a decade later, and THIS is what i know. Love is not complicated, but it is dimensional. I can love you on many levels, and in many ways, making it hard to walk away...but not when I know that you only love me on your terms. Love isn’t political. There’s no intangible standards of “separate but equal”. I’m not trying to fit comfortably in one small corner of your life, if I can’t fit comfortably in the whole picture. Speak to me with intention, using words like “when”, not “if” when talking about a possible future with me. Marriage isn’t for everyone, but if you’re not dating me with plans to lay down some roots at least somewhere, in some aspect, ring or no ring...then there’s no reason to deal with me at all. I am not an extra part time job, I am not an obligation, or a bill. If i don’t add value to your life, if you don’t look forward to coming home to me, if it doesn’t come natural to you to want to be at my side, then maybe yeah, it is what it is….but isn't for me. It isn't for us. Real recognizes real, and when you’re real with yourself you will recognize the power you have to change your circumstance and accept responsibility for your role in why it got this far in the first place. I don’t see things differently because of my age, I see things differently because of my experience, and I refuse to be 75 years old just trying to “Let things play out.” I’d prefer to ride solo, knowing that I loved , and gave it everything I had, rather than lose myself in the process of trying to convince someone to love me back in the same capacity that I love them. Be very clear, there is a reason why you barely met anyone in their family, there’s a reason why you don’t live together, there is a reason why you don’t travel together, spend holidays together, invest together, pray together, there is a reason why the two of you aren’t doing anything to build a future together. Because, sweetheart, they don’t see a future with you. PERIOD. Don't start with the sad face emoji's, because you knew this already, but there comes a time when you have to truly, honestly, 100% believe it. Rejection is redirection, and once you understand the bittersweet reality in being unwanted you will fully begin to experience what it means to want yourself. Everyday is a new lesson, a new adventure. But you have to make a decision to be optimistic, to be ready, and to submit yourself to nothing less than what your heart truly desires. And for me that's instinctive, pure, and genuine love. Transparent love. Loud love. Proud love. Because life's too short for anything that doesn't set your soul on fire. The more you cling to the “maybe’s” and the “one day's” the next decade will fly by and you’ll still be right here, going through those same mediocre, monotonous motions. Sometimes you don’t get closure…..you just wake up, take a deep breath, and move the fuck on.